Ah yes, another day, another pile of junk e-mail, choking up bandwidth, wasting time, all in the vague hope that just one less-than-smart person on the other end will click open an e-mail and either (A) spread some horrible Internet virus or (B) click on a link to help a person in Nigeria collect funds THIS IS A LEGITIMATE OPPORTUNITY!
NOTE TO MARKETERS: Asking people, ‘How’s your penis?’ is probably not the best cold open to a sales conversation. If some stranger came up to you and asked, “Hey, how’s your penis?” chances are you wouldn’t buy anything. More than likely, you’d give them a sock on the nose.
You have to wonder, though, who pays for opt-out e-mail spam campaigns? How does that work? Is the person on the other end naive enough to believe that any sane person is going to click their poorly worded link and purchase their crappy solution to an erectile function problem that I don’t have?
Still, there is relatively no cost for advertising this way. Sort of. Chances are, company A that wants to ask, “How is your penis?” pays company B $1000.00 to ask that question. If A’s product costs $100.00, and more than ten people out of a million answer yes, then the advertising paid for itself in spades.
So, the only real way to stop Spam is to find those ten people who would answer the question, “How is your penis?” and ask them to please for the love of god stop. Those creepy weirdos are ruining my inbox.
Anyway, here are the e-mails, with comments.
Subject: i got arrested
From: “Lizzie Kauffman”
it’s anterior it bstj and dab try suspensor
a bowman some convex , fleming be natal
! ballfield or fredericksburg a axisymmetric it’s normative
What’s interesting is this e-mail could pass for freeform poetry at some of the NYC slam clubs I’ve been to in the last year.
Subject: The hidden wealth builder
From: “Your Portfolio”
Don’t You Want Superior Investments That Yield A Great Income Without Risk?
Start Buying Real Estate for
10 cents
to 20 cents
Basically, this e-mail is a strange command. It’s saying, “Hey, if you want to be rich, the best way is to buy real estate for 10 to 20 cents.” Now, how does that work? Is the idea that I get Donald Trump stoned, write a contract to sell the Trump Tower for a dime, then get him to sign it? Come to think of it, that’s an awesome idea. Or better yet, do that, let the Donald in on the secret, and get HIM working for you. Apprentice 48, here I come!
Subject: Dice Leads in Tech Talent Hiring
From: “Dice”
Date: Thu, April 27, 2006 5:45 pm
Dice
Can’t read this email? Try this.
Heh. A high tech company sends me an e-mail that contains invalid .html. Unless, of course, they mean Andrew Dice Clay, the washed out 90s ’shock’ comedian (and star of the Adventures of Ford Fairlane) who lost all respect when he bawled like a mama’s boy on the Aresenio Hall Show. Anyway, why is ‘The Dice Man’ interested in my tech career? At least he’s not asking me about my penis. Again.
Subject: AWSM - Discover how over 7,000 people became Millionaires last year on the Internet!
From: “i...@awsmtechnology.com”
Date: Thu, April 27, 2006 5:23 pm
this there is click here for intormation on this exiting opppopunity
Apparently, the secret to incredible wealth is lunatic idiot savantism (ie, The Forrest Gump Effect). You must either (A) find someone to trick into selling you the Trump Tower for a dime or (B) turn YOURSELF into a complete idiot who can’t type a coherrent sentence. So, if you want in on this exiting oppopunity, click the link which doesn’t exist. And also drink toilet bowl cleaner until you’re a blithering moron. Life is like a box of chocolates. The most important thing to remember is not to eat the ones that are actually pieces of shit. Those, you sell to other people. Preferably via crappy spam marketing like the above.
Subject: Are you ready for the beach 7-day FREE Trial…
From: “Ultima Patch”
Browser Error: OTHR_TWP329733, to report this issue: q...@dealdynamic.com
This I don’t understand at all. The only Ultima I remember was the awesome RPG for my PC that I played as a kid. Now, what’s the connection between a popular 80s video game and the beach? And why do I only get this software patch for 7-days? ? Just FYI: Yes, I am ready, thank you for asking.
Subject: ur store is your cureall!
From: “Matthew”
Date: Thu, April 27, 2006 2:41 am
you not able to keep e__r**ection?? [1]Have Viagra…
For some reason when I read that line, I heard John Stewart’s yiddish voice. Say it that way. YOU NOT ABLE TO KEEP ERECTION? HAVE VIAGRA! It’s funny that way. Seriously, though, thanks for worrying about my penis Matthew!
Subject: last time you’ll recieve this
From: “Devon Lester”
Date: Wed, April 26, 2006 2:24 pm
see broadloom or behavioral in churchgoing or fascist
, empire some soothsay see hem some eh
Devon Lester will next be booked at the Bowery Poetry Club to perform his new work “My Viagra Penis Millionaire Needs Help In Getting Out of Nigeria”, Lizzie Kauffman will be opening and asking you about your penis.
WHAT TO DO NOW?